Snape Fic For Flunchy
by DisaDisa24
Summary: In which Snape acts batshit insane and has a mustache. Combined with a swastika. Hilarity ensues.


Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this, although I wish I did (rawr Severus), nor do I own Adolf Hitler.

A/N: xDDD This is dedicated to Flunchy of the NW for filling my mind with disturbing images of Snitler, Snapolini and Snobama. There you go, Flunchy, and I hope you like it xDDD

GMT FTW.

It was Friday and the last class of the day was almost over.

Severus looked around the classroom, observing the work of the Gryffindor and Slytherin seventh years. Everything was fine, he thought to himself.

_Snore._

Almost everything. As he took a second glance over the room, he noticed a certain Gryffindor lying on her table, fast asleep. The cauldron beside her was bubbling, almost up to a boiling point.

His decision was that he'd go over, wake the stupid thing up, give her a detention and possibly avert a catastrophe.

"Ahem…"

Hermione jerked up, startled by the sudden noise. When she saw who was looming over her, her panic was replaced with embarrassment.

"You might want to keep that from boiling," he said and pointed towards the cauldron, "Since it'll explode if you don't, seeing as you haven't added the sopophorous bean."

Hermione stood up as fast as she could and turned to her cauldron, which was bubbling merrily, and took it off the fire in haste, and it couldn't've been faster, since it was just about to blow up.

"And detention for falling asleep in my class" He added, "six PM sharp, my office."

Hermione nodded, she was too tired to argue with him. She just wanted to get back to sleep.

"Okay then." She shrugged.

"Class dismissed. Off you go, out." He waved lazily and went back to the comfortable seat behind the desk.

_Knock knock._

Severus had almost fallen asleep, just waiting there with nothing to do. He had already graded all his papers, planned lessons two weeks ahead of time, and still found time to read that book Poppy gave him on healing potions.

"_Healing Potions and the Making Of: The Art of Healing for the More Advanced_" was the exact title. A bit of a rip-off of Advanced Potions Making, but it was a good book, he thought.

"Come in!" he yelled, glad that the Gryffindor know-it-all had arrived already.

The door opened with a slight creak. That door creaking always gave Severus a bit of a cold shiver, but he never knew why. Perhaps he was too easily creeped.

In stepped the Gryffindor know-it-all, with her hair all over the place at usual. Severus sighed, wondering how having such messy hair could be possible.

"_Damnit, woman. Is it so hard to keep the damn furball in one place?_" he thought to himself"_You look like you have a freaking cat on your head._"

"Um… Professor? Hello?" Hermione waved her hand in front of him, trying to bring him back to life.

"Oh, right. You'll be sorting these files in alphabetical order, since Filch is too lazy to do it himself. You won't be leaving this room until at least," he pointed towards the boxes stacked on the table, "one box is done. Starting right…" he looked at the blue and yellow polka-dotted clock hanging in the corner of his office (_funny story about that clock, really, he got it for his birthday, from Dumbledore and it tells… oh we don't have time for this. Moving on_), "now."

Hours passed, the clock rang every half hour (_it actually has someone's voice saying "Ding dong" instead of the actual sound _(_Dumbledore is quite crazy_)) and Hermione still had a few files left. Severus had passed his time doodling sketches of little stickmen in his notebook doing various odd things, for example jumping off the Eiffel Tower, drinking bear and going Christmas Caroling in their underwear. He had then cast a spell on the drawings so they had come to life and were just playing around on the pages of the book.

At last she stood up, and yelled, "DONE!"

"Very well. You may leave."

_Glub glub glub._

The very same evening, Hermione was heading back from the kitchens, from her midnight snack, when she heard noisy singing coming from around the corner. And of course, being the curious person she was, she went and looked around the corner.

There she saw the weirdest thing she had ever witnessed.

A very drunk Severus Snape, dancing around singing Christmas carols. And to top it all off, he was in his underwear. Even though Hermione was creeped out, she couldn't help but notice that his boxers revealed the fact that he was very well endowed.

"Jingle bells, jingle bells –hic- jingle all the –hic- way, h how fun –hic- it is to ride in a… allele I don't remember the lyrics to this song." He sang at the top of his lungs, with a firewhiskey bottle in one hand and a butterbeer in the other.

"Um… Professor?"

He finally seemed to have noticed her, and simply stared at her with his mouth hanging open, not seeming to completely remember whom it was.

"Who… who're you, again?" he slurred, though he was drooling so much that it sounded more like "Woo… hoer yoo agennnnn?"

"Um… I'm Hermione Granger. Gryffindor?"

"Oh right. I'm…" he paused for a moment, not looking like he remembered to who was, "Adolf Hitler. Nice to meet you." He held out his hand, completely ignoring the fact that he had dropped the butterbeer bottle, and that it was now shattered on the floor.

Hermione whipped out her wand and pointed it at the fractions.

"Reparo. And no, you're not Adolf Hitler. Last time I knew, your name was Severus Snape. You're drunk as hell, sir." She shook her head.

"Oh right… well, sieg heil!" he brought his hand up to his forehead in a salute, "I'm going caroling." He made an attempt to leave, but Hermione got in his way.

"Christmas is three weeks from now."  
He shook his head, as if he was trying to understand what she said. He regained himself in a few seconds.

"Well, then I'm going trick-or-treating." He made another attempt to get past her, but she still got in his way.

"Halloween was in October. Come on, " she took him by the upper arm, "I'm taking you back to your quarters so you don't freak out the entire school." Severus made no attempt to fight her, but simply smiled and waved at all the portraits on the way down to the dungeons, (all of which were entirely freaked out).

She opened the door of his office, and shoved him inside. Inside she went as well (to make sure he wouldn't go out again) and closed the door behind her.

_Snore_.

Hermione woke up, in an unfamiliar armchair, in an unfamiliar room. It took her a while to remember the events of the previous evening. When she saw Snape lying on his bed, holding his head and groaning, she smiled, thinking:

"_Well, his fault for drinking. I better get going._"

She stood up, almost failing to keep her balance, due to the fact that it was six o'clock in the morning and sleeping on that armchair had not provided a reasonable amount of rest. But trying to walk out the door did not go as expected.

"Wait a minute. Where are you going?" Severus groaned from the bed, but immediately regretted the action, "holy mother of crap, my head freaking hurts."

"Well, it's your fault, seeing as you drank two bottles of firewhiskey last night."  
Wait… what? Um…" he said, shook his head and sat up in the bed, "did I do anything to embarrass myself?"

"Well, yes," she said and sat back down in the armchair across the room, "you did. But thankfully for you, the only ones who witnessed it were me and a couple of paintings."

Snape seemed slightly confused.

"What did I do, exactly?"

"You went out in your underwear bellowing Christmas songs at the top of your lungs, all the while thinking you were actually Adolf Hitler. Then you said you were going caroling, and/or trick or treating. "

"And… what are you doing on my armchair, anyway?"

"Well, to make sure you wouldn't make an absolute asshole of yourself, I took you back here, made sure you went to sleep, and fell asleep in your armchair while I was keeping a watch n you."

"Um… wow. Thanks, I guess." He shook his head (most likely trying to register the fact that he had gone for a walk in his underwear for the whole of Hogwarts to see) "Was it really as bad as it sounds?" he asked with caution.

"Worse." She stated simply. His hand immediately flew up to his face to cover it.

"Great."  
"Anyway, I'm going to…" she stood up, "go now, if you don't mind."

"Sure, go ahead."

She started walking towards the door, but stopped when she heard him say something behind her back.

"And 20 points to Gryffindor."

She simply smirked and kept on walking, closing the door after her.

Severus sighed and lay back down on the bed, flat on his back.

"Who would've thought? That the Gryffindor know-it-all would actually save my neck." He said to himself, "I certainly didn't… and… what was the deal with Hitler, anyway?"

He just lay there, pondering, when he was suddenly aware that his stomach was growling viciously.

"Oh great. I forgot breakfast. Guess I'll have to…" he looked at the clock, which was half past eleven, "oh good. Half an hour until lunch. I'll just go get ready."

He was just about to get up, when suddenly; a light went on in his head.

"Oh yes. I will, most definitely." He snickered, and got ready as he was going to do in the first place.

_Creak_.

Hermione went through the portrait ole so carefully, as to not to raise suspicion, but there was no use. Inside she found Ron and Harry, waiting for her, looking troubled. When they saw her, they both rushed to their feet and ran to her.

"Hermione, where've you been?" Ron said, almost angry, but not quite.

"Yeah we've been worried sick."

Hermione walked past them and to the armchair in front of the fireplace.

"I'm fine, seriously," she said and sat down, "I just had a bit of a dilemma with Snape."

"Why? What'd he do? I swear I'll kill him." Ron said, and punched his hand.

"Ron, calm down, he didn't do anything. Well, he did something really stupid, and I saved his neck."

"How so?" Harry asked, obviously very curious as to what might be going on.

"Well, I was going for my midnight snack last night, and when I came back out of the kitchens, I heard singing. Of course I followed the sound, and guess what I found." She shuddered.

"Um… I don't know…" Harry shrugged.

"A mental image I will never get out of my head. Snape. Drunk. In his underwear. Singing Christmas songs."  
"Oh dear lord, ew." Ron exclaimed, disgusted.

"Yeah, and to top it all off, he was convinced he was Adolf Hitler."

Harry burst out laughing, immediately knowing who she was talking about, while Ron just sat there, looking as if there was an inside joke and he wasn't getting it.

"Who's… Adolf Hitler?"

"He was a Muggle dictator in the 1930s/40s." Hermione explained.

"Yeah. Anyway, shouldn't we get down to lunch, now?" Ron suggested.

That lunch was just a regular lunch for the trio. That is, until Severus Snape walked through the door. Both Hermione and Harry bust out laughing so hard that they almost choked on their food, while Ron was simply dumbfounded.

There he stood, Severus Snape, in a full out Adolf Hitler costume, snot mat (cough moustache cough) and all. He just grinned and pretended he didn't know what the fuss was all about, since Hermione and Harry weren't the only ones laughing. Every single student of Muggle origin had started laughing that the whole Hall was filled with snorts, giggling and people choking on their drinks.

Severus was pleased with his work, and decided that he was going to wear it all day. When he sat down at the high table, next to the headmaster, Dumbledore went:

"Hitler, much?"

"Yep. Just a random thought."

"You'll never hear the end of this." Dumbledore grinned and stood up.

"Dear students of Hogwarts! I would like to announce to you that from now on, Professor Snape will be known as Adolf Hitler."

A/N: This might not be the end, just so you know. I might add another chapter if I'm up to it (and if I'm bribed enough with comments xD)

THERE YOU GO.

Sieg heil.

Disa is OUT.


End file.
